Turns out I am “The Darkness”. But, I’m so pale…?

I was over to a friends house today. His therapist has made him start a workout notebook and I asked if I could read it. He said yes. She had made him write over and over:

I am not now, have never been, and will never be happy with my body until I am not overweight.

It covered pages and pages. It is just so sad. I find it sick. What if he’s not successful, what if he only loses weight to a certain point. Does anybody else fear that she is setting him up for an eating disorder?

I next found several passages where she had told him to beware of me and the darkness that I bring (presumably because I am not trying to lose weight) and reminding him that he needs to “Carry the Light” for both of us.

If he wants to lose weight, I think that’s great. I am more than happy to support him. I recognize that not everyone is happy with their body at its current weight, I recognize that some people will see health benefits from losing weight. I do not think it’s ok to “train” someone to believe that they will get sick if they eat badly and to teach them to view people who do not want to lose weight as “darkness”.

I can’t process this right now, it’s just so…Yuck.

Published in: on November 25, 2005 at 5:09 pm  Comments (1)  

Is it too late to scratch and go home?

What a horrific weekend!

My first ballet recital was when I was 5 and I think I danced better that day than I did on Saturday. Both my pro and I had an extremely bad day. Eight beats into the first dance he forgot the routine and we did basics for the next 32 counts. It did not improve from there. We dance 7 dances and when we walked off the floor after the sixth dance (when I knocked his hat off and we both looked at is for six beats like it was a bomb) we just looked at each other and exploded into giggles and were barely able to get through the seventh dance.

It was really strange not having nony there. This was my first comp without him and I certainly missed the familiarity of having him there to hang out with. I will very much miss that aspect of dancing with him but I look forward to seeing him move on with a different partner.

On the way home at about 6:00 I realized that I had contracted the stomache virus that had been going around the competition. In fact, I realized just in time to ask the driver to pull the car off to the side of the road. Luckily I was riding with two of my pro’s other students both of whom are in their 50s and went immediately into mom mode so I was well taken care of :) Also luckily I met a lot of bulimics when I was in therapy in high school and so I immediately asked them to take me to McDonalds for vanilla ice cream and Sprite. That made the next incident much more pleasant than the first.

I continued to be sick every two hours on the two hours until 8:30 this morning. That was the last incident so I think I’m in the clear. I’ve kept down a fudgesickle and some water so I think I’m going to be ok.

All in all it’s really pretty hilarious when you look at it.

I did learn something important. At the last comp a woman came up to me and said "You and that pro of yours are perfect for each other. You both just walk around like you own the whole fucking dance floor". After this comp one of the other competitors came up to me and said that I "didn’t have that fire" in my eyes. I watched the video and she is absolutely right. I looked like I didn’t quite know where I was. The past few weeks have put a lot of things into question and I think I started to question myself as well which is no good. I’m looking forward to walking around Nationals like I own the whole fucking floor.

Published in: on November 7, 2005 at 5:05 pm  Leave a Comment