Flattering? Maybe not…

I occasionally get e-mails from men who are Big Beautiful Women appreciators.  I got a particularly strange one today so I thought I’d share it with you:

“Hey Hottie,

I didn’t read your blog (not much interested in words) but I saw a video of you dancing.  You are so hot and sexy. Usually I only like girls who are 350lbs+ so you are smaller than what I normally like but I still think you are big and beautiful. Don’t worry,  a little of my cooking will put some meat on your bones!  See, it’s better than other guys, you could gain weight and that would be ok by me.  I have a house with a hot tub, and no one around so you don’t need a swimsuit.  Hit me back we could have an awesome first date, I’d appreciate every inch of you.  I just want you to know I like big girls, the bigger the better, I don’t care about race, height, hair color, brains or nothing as long as they’re big.”

Ok, let’s break it down:

“I didn’t read your blog.”

Points for honesty.

“You are smaller than what I normally like but I think you are still big and beautiful.”

I’m not sure I’d have lead with this dude.  I’m not getting that “I’m a lucky girl” feeling I think you’re going for because to you it seems like a plus that I’m not what you normally like but I still kind of make the cut.

“Don’t worry, a little of my cooking will put some meat on your bones!”

Points for originality.  Suffice to say that I do NOT hear this one everyday.  I’m feeling pretty good about my meatiness level, but thanks.

“See, it’s better than other guys, you could gain weight and that would be ok by me. “

Huh?  Way to make broad-based assumptions about other men.  Out of curiosity, what would happen if got sick and lost a bunch of weight?  I’m guessing the relationship prognosis would not be good.

“I have a house with a hot tub, and no one around so you don’t need a swimsuit.  Hit me back we could have an awesome first date, I’d appreciate every inch of you.”

Slow down there, Sparky.  I’m a “let’s go to a coffee shop on our first date so that if this is a disaster we can get the hell out”  kind of girl.  Not so much with the “Nice to meet you, let’s get naked” first date action.  It’s just a personal preference.

“I just want you to know I like big girls, the bigger the better, I don’t care about race, height, hair color, brains or nothing as long as they’re big.”

Gosh, I don’t know what to say.  No, seriously, I don’t.  Wait…it’s coming to me…

WHAT.  THE.  HELL?  I will never understand this.  It seems like whenever I get an e-mail like this they take great pains to say that nothing else about me matters, as long as I’m big.  How is that a plus? It feels a little manipulative, as if maybe he assumes that I don’t like anything about myself and I’ll just be overjoyed that someone is interested in me at all?

I’ve had people say that I would be the perfect girlfriend except that they aren’t attracted to big bodies.  While that’s frustrating,  I find it WAY less creepy than someone who is only attracted to me because of the current size of my body.

Dude, don’t feel bad that I’m going to reply with a “no thanks”, I’m actually saving you from a heaping helping of heart-ache.  You may think that you want me based on my body, but trust me when I tell you that you are wholly unprepared for the onslaught of  personality oddities that this body contains.  Let me state for the record that I have many qualities that make me an excellent girlfriend,  but only if you also find my “chock full o’ quirkiness” personality endearing. A few examples:

  • I leave cupboard drawers open.  Sometimes I walk into my kitchen and every drawer is open and I have no idea how long it’s been like that.
  • I sing.  Badly.  All the time.
  • If I hear a song that I like, I will get up and dance to it..not dance…perform! As if there are people watching.  I might back up the track to get that choreography just right.  If you’re lucky my dance will be accompanied by the aforementioned bad singing.

The list goes on.  I’ve dated and been friends with lots of people who found my quirky awkwardness an endearing addition to the qualities that they appreciate.  It’s all part of my “charm” as it where.  But if you’re just here for my body, I think you’re probably going to head for the hills when I’m dancing and singing along to “Don’t Rain on My Parade” in the kitchen with every cupboard door open.

And that brings me to my point.  Physicality is fleeting and we all deserve better than someone who only loves us for what they can see in a picture.  Embrace the quirky awesomeness that is you and find someone else who does the same.

Published in: on May 11, 2010 at 4:46 am  Comments (9)  

9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. LOL I have to say it – What a loser! He comes off as desperate and sleazy. I suppose the guy thinks he’s being flattering or that you’d be so jazzed to have someone “actually interested” that you would jump at the chance to take him up on his offer. I just love how some guys think that they are the only ones who could possibly be interested in a bigger girl so she should be falling all over herself to date him lol. He comes of as that kind of jerk.

    When I was putting up youtube videos on a regular basis I got messages like this quite frequently. All I can say is – Don’t be tempted, even on your most depressed and lonely days, to start talking to one of those jerks. When a genuine prince comes along you’ll know it right away and his messages won’t look A THING like this guy’s message. Trust me. :) I met my boyfriend online (we’ve been together for nearly three years now) and we even move in love now then when we first started dating. His message where wonderful, nothing like the sleazyness of this guy’s nonsense.

    • Yeah. I am a little curious if this ever actually works for him. Thank you for the very good advice, though I will say that on my worst day I can’t imagine being tempted by this kind of offer! Congratulations on your relationship – that is completely awesome :)
      ~Ragen

  2. That last sentence of his “I just want you to know I like big girls” and just replace “girls” with “boobs”. Just about as tasteful as his invite.

    I think your site is wonderful and you are an absolute delight to read.

    I will be passing this along to friends and family.

    Cheers

    • Exactly! Or replace “big” with “blond” or “tall” or whatever. I’m so glad that you like the site, thanks for passing it along :)
      ~Ragen

  3. I love how transparent some guys are! So many of them “love big women” because they take one look at us and think, “Oh, she must be really easy because no one wants her – I can totally score!” They don’t even know how insulting they are! To borrow a phrase from a few posts ago, HOW DARE YOU make assumptions about my self-confidence!

  4. Just discovered your site and I’m very glad to find it.

    I also wonder how successful this romeo is with this charming email. You’re right, he’s not interested in the person, just the body.

    You had me laughing when you said, “Sometimes I walk into my kitchen and every drawer is open and I have no idea how long it’s been like that.” What flashed through my mind was those many haunted house movies I’ve seen where the polergeists open all drawers and cupboards in the kitchen.

  5. AAAGH! I want to run home, hop in the shower, and scrub my skin raw after reading that letter. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!

    This fella really spelled it out clearly, when he said that the only thing that matters about a lady is size. Dude, no, that’s not an appropriate “mating call”. The underlying invisible between-the-lines message that he conveys is not one of being an open-minded nifty fella. Instead, he comes across as both being highly fixated and extremely desperate. Any fat chick will do! Any! C’mon over and swim in my hot tub!

    *hurl*

    Didja also notice the implication of “surely you feel bad about yourself, so don’t worry, no one will SEE you in my awesome hot tub! Wink wink!”

    *hurl, the sequel*

    In my dating experience, there’s nothing worse than being little more than a symbol or object to someone. To my last ex, I was “His Girlfriend”, this mystical thing that he thought he’d never have. My individual qualities and my desires were secondary to the fact that I filled that void in his existance. His Valentine’s day card? Was a “thank you for being my girlfriend so I’m not alone today” thing. Yeah. Makes a girl feel right shiny and special, it does. Mr. I’ve Got A Hot Tub And Cookies here strikes me as equally… looking for someone to fill the gap. Doesn’t care who, so long as she meets some arbitrary quality!

    *H… no wait, nothing left to hurl*

    • To be fair, the hot tub comment could really be about modesty. My bedroom is ground-level and even though it’s in the back of my house I close the curtains when I get undressed because I don’t want any neighbors to see in.

      It’s not that I care about being naked, I just don’t want to give some perv a free show.

      So I actually read it as “I WANNA SEE YA NEKKID OUTSIDE, HEH, HEH, HEH. And my back yard is REAL private.”

      Doesn’t make it any less sleazy..

      On a slightly related note, I used to have personals ads and there was always some sleaze bag who opened with “I’ve always wondered what it was like to date a black woman..” like I would be so flattered by his curiosity that I would oblige.

  6. Very creepy comments, which sucks. Still, I feel like there’s a lot of hate in the fat-o-sphere for someone who’s into HAES but also has a fat appreciation kink. I think there’s a stereotype that we’re all misogynistic pervs (weird since i’m a woman and a feminist). It’s kind of stupid to judge people by what they like in bed. Still, i’ve been on some fat fetishist sites, and i ackowledge we can be a creepy bunch at times (it’s especially weird going on them while being a fat woman; a lot of other fetishists seem to be skinny dudes who have some kind of weird mix of desire and repugnance [maybe casualties of fat stigma]).


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