Loser Like Me

My work was CRAZY last week so I’m sorry for the lack of posts and replies. I definitely missed seeing your comments in my inbox!

I’ve been struggling with the blog because I’ve been in kind of a weird place.  While I was away I got some suggestions from readers on stuff to blog about:

There’s a twitter hash tag right now called “how to piss off a fat person” where person after person says hateful mean spirited things about fat people.

A purported “wellness center” run by “healthcare professionals” has the language “Are you dealing with “man-boobs”? Or “muffin-top”? on their wellness website.

A friend told me that he was in love with me for a long time before he got married but just “couldn’t date a fat chick”.  It made me remember that there are people who reject me as a possible partner out of hand because they don’t find my body amazing and beautiful – I honestly forget that sometimes.

I had a moment of feeling some combination of sad and angry about all of it, but then I came to some realizations:

I would never, ever, spend my time writing hateful and mean-spirited things about a group of people. I’m way better than that. How broken do you have to be to think that this is a good way to spend your limited time on Earth?

I found out about the “Wellness Center” from someone who asked me what I thought, so I had the opportunity to un-recommend them and maybe save some people from their business model of taking client’s self esteem and selling it back to them at a profit (as my friend CJ Legare would say).

The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.

And then there was Glee (SPOILERS AHEAD)

First, the speech that Blaine gave Kurt and then the amazing kiss.  I remember being in college and watching Ellen’s coming out episode and all the controversy around her just saying that she was gay.  When I see how far we’ve come as a society when it comes to being ok with people loving each other, it makes my heart so happy.

Lauren and Puck – so much yay.

And then the final song.  The icing on the cake of my crazy week.  How can you not love lyrics like

And hey, all I do is shake it off
I’ll get you back when I’m your boss
I’m not thinkin’ ’bout you haters
‘Cause hey, I could be a superstar
I’ll see you when you wash my car

You wanna be a loser like me

Then all my happy came back.  I remembered that I am one of only 2 in 10 women who actually like their bodies.  I remembered that I am lucky enough to love to doing things that I’m really good at and for which I’m appreciated.  My life is actually incredibly awesome.

Yes, horrible things are being done to fat people and there are blogs to write and wrongs to right but today I’m just going to take a breath and be grateful for a minute because plenty of people want to be a loser like me!

Published in: on March 23, 2011 at 8:32 am  Comments (30)  

30 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Ragen you are one amazing human being. I aspire to your level of self-love….keep on bloggin’ girl! The world needs to hear you….

    • Thank you Lisa, I really appreciate it :)

      ~Ragen

  2. I read every blog you post and I’m just so grateful that you make time for this and write. Finding you and your blog has been a huge gift to my life and is a constant (and so needed) reminder that I don’t have to meld with mainstream society to rock out my own life.

    While I *know* this, and have lived it all my life in one way or another, it’s so nice to remember that I’m not entirely alone.

    And this line: “because you must be this brave to ride this ride.” – PURE. AWESOME!

  3. Just from what I’ve seen of your blog it is awesome. I love to dance and wish I lived in your city. I use to dance in my bedroom and in my apartment all the time. I really miss it.

    My issue is that I’ve gained ALOT of weight through self-destructive behaviors and now I’m trying to change, to get healthy but whenever anyone mentions weight loss (which I know will happen as a result of being more active and eating healthy), I just close up. How do I love myself when I’m depressed over how low I have sunk. I don’t want to be a size 2, I just want to be able to walk more than 5 feet without pain and being out of breathe. I just want to be able to dance again.

    • Thank you so much, I’m glad that you like the blog! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through some rough times. I really feel that we could use a lot more focus on health and healthy goals (being able to walk without pain, stamina etc.) instead of just trying to tell people to change the size of their bodies. Good luck!

      ~Ragen

  4. Well, I’m crying over here in South Carolina. Thank you for this. Thank you for being you. And I echo what Melissa said.

    I’m making some choices in my life that leave me feeling isolated much of the time, but then I remember that it really depends on my perspective. The truth is, I’m not isolated. I’m just isolated from people who don’t get me – people I don’t really want to be close to anyway. And in place of those relationships, I have closer, more meaningful connections than I’ve ever had before. Thanks again, you gorgeous shining light, you.

    • Joy,

      Thank you so much!!!!! Life has been a bit crazy for me but I would still love to collaborate if you are also interested. How do you feel about using the “Loser Like Me” son?

      ~Ragen

  5. “How to piss off a fat person.” Anyone who goes around trying to think of ways to upset an entire demographic of people is an immature douche of major proportions and deserves to be thrown into a vat of raw sewage. “People” like that make me ashamed to be human.

  6. Yes! To everything. And I’m sorry you’ve had a rough week.

    ” It made me remember that there are people who reject me as a possible partner out of hand because they don’t find my body amazing and beautiful – I honestly forget that sometimes.”

    I believe that more men are denying their own desires, consciously or not. I dated a guy once who was very up front about the fact that he liked larger women. He told me that over the years, lots of guys had told him they weren’t “brave” enough to be the same way. You are so right that, in many ways, dating a fat woman is “a natural screening process for cowards.” I kind of love that. (And I love love love Glee.)

    • Thanks for the sympathy and the support :) I personally (and unscientifically) think that men have a much broader range of attractiveness absent our cultures constant attempts to make them see only one standard of beauty.

      ~Ragen

      • We need only look at marriage statistics (or wedding planner websites) to see plainly that the “standard beauty” is not the only sub-group of women who get married in this country. So yes, there is a wide and varied range of preferences amongst men. But the same exists in women, too! I don’t believe for a second that any participant in this discussion would date absolutely anybody with equal enthusiasm. Preferences exist not just in some people, or in one culture, but in all humans in all cultures and in the animal kingdom, too. Though it might have the “safety in numbers” popularity at the moment, many of these posters are doing the same thing they’re complaining about: they’re turning up their noses and badmouthing men who have a particular personality or mindset, regardless of their outward appearance. So it’s still discrimination, just in reverse.

        Am I worth stoning because I don’t like chocolate cake? Is it possible for me to make myself like chocolate cake? Some things we just don’t have control over. Tastes aren’t always logical. Some of them are even hardwired–go look up attractiveness studies conducted at pretty much any university psych department. From a psycho-physiological standpoint, there are subconscious formulas humans are following. Such as the distance between people’s eyes. Most are indicators of health, which impacts likelihood of procreating successfully. Did you know that credit cards or architectural columns are the particular proportion they are for a reason? That we think purple and yellow look good together for a reason?

        Certainly, our preferences are not only derived from these influences. Psycho-social factors (norms, values, prejudices present in the nurturing environment), tenets of faith, even simple exposure to only a few vs. a great many options have roles to play. The truth is we all have a mental list, whether we spend much conscious thought about it or not. Some of those priorities can get shuffled around, others are deal-breakers. I’m a sucker for dark brown eyes. Always have been, always will be, didn’t choose it and can’t change it. The man I’m in love with happens to be shorter than me, which is not my preference, but it’s a lesser preference than the eye color, so as long as those espresso pools are shining at me it’s all good. The crux of this post is that the characteristics that fall into each category differ from person to person, so you can’t hold everyone else to your priority list. Which compromises can we live with? It’s like buying a house, except you don’t have a custom-build option. The split-level ranch cannot work for everybody.

        So let’s revisit the ineffectivity of shaming here by saying “You can’t make someone hate themselves…attracted to different features.” Rather than advocating discrimination in a particular direction, let’s focus on advocating honesty and respect. It’s never okay to be mean, and if something just isn’t “your cup of tea,” then be honest about it and don’t drag someone along while you try to put up a front about it. Whatever you like best about yourself, someone out there will also like those things. Whatever you don’t like about yourself, that same right person will have had those further down on the list anyway.

  7. love love LOVE ” you must be this brave to ride this ride”.
    Amen sister! I may be fat but I can tell you this. I have dated men and women, and even some “Straight” women who find that you just can’t beat lov’in like mine at any size! Size isn’t the issue – self esteem is. And a patner who actually loves YOU can be the sexiest thing on earth!

    • Thanks, I’m glad that you like it! I agree that for a lot of people what they think is sexy is not necessarily someone’s look but rather their self-confidence.

      ~Ragen

  8. If looks mattered to me then I would’ve missed out on the greatest experience of my life. I would never have met Kim, a large man with a rough beard– he looked like a mountain man. He is my soul mate and looks out for me from the other side now. Real men and women look deeper than what’s on the outside. I’m very lucky that I’ve had two wonderful lovers whose love isn’t skin deep. Love has a way of finding you when you’re too busy living life to be looking for it.

    • Laurie,

      What a beautiful comment, thank you so much :)

      ~Ragen

  9. All I have to say is “L”

    • I would also like to add, DITTO to everything those posters above have said.

      I would also like to say how grateful I am for your blog. Sometimes your blog is what helps me keep it together for one day more. To be brave enough to go out into the world and fight off that judgmental look just one more time.

      Thanks for all you do and have a better week,

      Lauren

      • Lauren,

        Thank you so much! I’m so glad that you like the blog and I’m completely honored that it’s part of your armor for an insanely judgmental world.

        ~Ragen

  10. Just yesterday I was looking at a menswear online store who boasted they sold men’s clothes ‘up to a staggering size 72 chest’. That’s one way to lose the customers their products are aimed at.

    Great post!

    • Debbie,

      Yikes. Marketing fail for sure. I hope that guys with a 72 inch chest go find somewhere else to buy clothes.

      ~Ragen

  11. Ragen, I am so insanely proud to be in a group of losers like you! I have been a loser all my life, and I have found that not only am I proud of it now, but I am also finding that in the long run it has made me a winner. I can be proud of what I do, I can be proud of the person I am, and I can be proud that I would rather spend my time building others up rather than tearing them down. If that makes me a loser then paint a big old “L” on my forehead because that’s what I want to be!

    • Right back at you karen. You are so awesome and I love what you said about spending your time building others up rather than tearing them down. If I signed your yearbook I would sign it Losers 4-ever :)

      ~Ragen

  12. When I read about the whole #how to piss off a fat person I was mildly tempted to add my own smart ass reply. I’m glad I didn’t though, because I agree that I’m above that kind of stuff. “Push off” conveys the same message without the nasty comments that infect the commentor as much as those being spoken about.

    I love your attitude. Give your attention to the wonderful things in your life because there’s plenty of them. It’s a great philosophy.

  13. Ragen, you are a brilliant ray of proactive positivity in the body image wars. :) It’s nice to be reminded that we can get angry without getting negative.

  14. It is actually a perverted kind of victory that so many of those fascists think it a worthy endeavor to think up ways to piss off fat people. Deep down, they are realizing that more and more fat people are refusing to do their work for them.

    • I hadn’t thought about it this way. Thanks for putting a positive spin on something that’s really annoying :)

      ~Ragen

  15. It did ring back to me that you sometimes forget that some people reject you because of your body. I had that experience, but not with my Boyfriend, but with his family you know there been time when they have told to my mother in law that he could do so much better than me, you know finding some one pretty, someone THIN, you know I’m not eve that big to be consider plus sized I’m just a 10-14(in dress size), but I am not exactly thin, never been, and never will, still I found so hurtful at first to realized that some of my family in law didn’t liked me because of my body, they say he could do better based on how I look not on how I act towards them or him.
    I didn’t imagine that of all people family would do such comments, I would expect that from strangers not people that I do treat with often.
    There are just not man who have that kind of thinking but also women who like to feel that you are inferior to them

  16. I “L”ove this post. I, too, have had a man or two say that he thinks I’m amazing but he “couldn’t date a big girl” and I just accept that either he’s a) afraid or b) not physically attracted. Either way, my time is better spent elsewhere on men who see all of me and love all of me because of it, in spite of it, etc.

    Plus, I have had male friends I thought were great guys but I wasn’t physically attracted to them. I may not have flat out said that because, like someone said above, I’d rather build people up then tear them down. But just like people shouldn’t assume a gay man (or woman) is automatically attracted to every member of their own sex, we shouldn’t assume that every person, fat or not, is going to automatically be attracted to X, Y, or Z group.

    So many generalizations, so little understanding.

  17. “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards. And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh, HELL yes! Years ago when I was unattached I had an ad on Yahoo Personals. I clearly indicated that I was a fat chick and used a photograph that was flattering but accurately portrayed my body size. I got more than a handful of “you sound awesome– too bad you’re fat” type messages from guys who thought typing something so useless was a good use of their time. WTH? If you’d pass up an opportunity to be with me because you’re afraid of what your buddies might think, by all means, keep on walking.

  18. Ran into a link to your blog via another blogger whose writing I adore, and am now busily engaged in reading your whole backlog.

    Just had to say how much I love this:

    “I would never, ever, spend my time writing hateful and mean-spirited things about a group of people. I’m way better than that. How broken do you have to be to think that this is a good way to spend your limited time on Earth?”

    and this:

    ” . . . you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Love. So much love.

    Have subscribed to your feed, and look forward to reading more from you as the days roll on by.


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