We have GOT to stop acting like we can look at someone and know tons of information about them based only on their body size. There are healthy and unhealthy people of every shape and size. This is not a difficult concept.
There are exactly two things that you can tell by looking at someone’s size:
- What size they are
- What your personal preconceived notions and prejudices about that particular body size are
When people look at someone and think they know anything other than those two things, they are just acting on their preconceived notions and prejudices by making stuff up in their heads (which wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t so often then come out of their mouths and if they weren’t doctors, eating disorder professionals and other people who should know better).
Many current cultures have developed intense preconceived notions and prejudices against body sizes (in some cultures they are against fat bodies, in some cultures they are against thin bodies). In US culture there is currently a strong bias against fat bodies. We are not the first or only group to be the subject of stereotyping and scapegoating and sadly we probably won’t be the last. But we are not powerless.
We can notice how often these messages come at us from people who either want to sell us something, or want to put us down as a way to raise themselves up. We can point out situations where we feel that people are operating from stereotypes and preconceived notions if we feel like it. We can remind people that health is multi-dimensional, not entirely under our control, and that each person gets to choose what health means to them, how important health is to them, and what path supports their priorities and goals.
Perhaps most importantly, we each decide how we feel about ourselves. We are each the only person in charge of that – unless we choose to give that power away to someone else. So as we deal with being stereotyped, stigmatized, and scapegoated, it may help to remember that it’s not us, it’s them and we are under no obligation to buy into their stereotypes when we choose how to view ourselves.
Another excellent post! And so very true but it’s amazing how doctors especially can make some pretty mighty assumptions just based on BMI.
Only thing that annoys me more is the constant discussions I see on how calories in/calories out is a legitimate concept.
I think this needs to be a poster in every doctors office and any other professional that wants to spout the whole weight proganda arguments!
You know, we do this for everyone we see. When I see thin people out shopping, trying on these tiny little clothes and looking fabulous, sometimes all I can think of, “It’s so easy for you, isn’t it. You were born Accepted and probably have no appreciation of how easy it is for you, to be thin. You never have to struggle to find clothing to fit you, never have to pray the stores have something higher than a 14. Mostly, you’ve never been stigmatised by doctors, potential employers, possible romantic interests…your playing field was always level, and by being born like that, it’s one less thing you have to struggle against. You don’t know what it is to feel the constant shame of your body, how it’s always, always there, every single second. You never will. And it’s just not fair.” And I get so, so angry, thinking of all the voices over the last 3.5 decades that have shouted at me how Wrong I was because my body was big. It all comes back in a flash flood, and sometimes it’s so powerful I have to remove myself from wherever I am and just get away.
But then I’m reminded of a quote I heard that’s making the rounds recently: “Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”
It’s true. We are masters of disguises. I’ve met so many people in my life whom I thought, “You have it so easy..” only to probe a bit deeper and discover they don’t. No one does, truly. It’s a hard but equalising lesson, and something of a relief once you let it settle into your brain.
That’s so true, and very well said. This past summer, I got together with a couple of old “friends” (in quotes because neither has ever been an easy friendship – both are thin and harbor a great deal of weight prejudice, though they’ll never admit it, which has been a source of tension in our relationship), and one looked at me absolutely straight-faced, and said, “You have no stress.” I was flabbergasted and didn’t know how to respond. Maybe I give off the impression of having it all together, and I am indeed grateful for my many blessings (roof over my head, food on the table, access to insurance and health care, a lovely family, etc.) but it doesn’t mean that everything is easy for me. I love that quote about being kinder than necessary…probably a good default setting for all of us to operate with!
Peace,
Mary-Ellin
Beautifully said, Yorkie. It’s rare that I hear it acknowledged that we all make assumptions, those who are fat, as well those who are thin; we are experts on projecting what others are experiencing or thinking. And I love that quote; being diagnosed with a silent disease that nobody sees (MS), made me hyperaware of this. gReat reminder.
Just wanna echo the comment love. You know, when you get in an environment where you can open up with others and they with you, you often find that the person you were intimidated by or jealous of, who seems to have everything you wish you had, is more like you than you expected, in terms of experiencing similar fears, hurts and insecurities. Human nature is universal. Our journeys are individual, but we’re all traveling through the same forest.
If you had seen me in my days as a size 8, you would have been wrong about the body shame and the easy, because I was only that size because I was starving myself.
But because I was a size 8, and not technically “underweight” by the charts, I had a hard time getting the treatment I needed until I collapsed from the side effects of malnutrition.
On the other hand, some of my very slender, athletic, not-eating-disordered friends would get pseudo-helpful body policing constantly about their supposed anorexia.
And one slender friend with binge eating issues couldn’t get help, because the binging just made her sick and not fat.
Everybody needs to understand that weight is not a behavior or an illness, even though some behaviors and some illnesses can have some impacts on weight for some people. I love this chart, and it is equally true of people at all weight ranges.
I think a big mistake we make is thinking that those who foist their anger upon us – either directly or indirectly – are in any way superior.
The people who are truly self-actualized and happy in their skins, lives and souls, have no need to shame, insult, point fingers or mock. They usually make us feel really good about life, but they are rare to find.
Even if someone else appears to possess what we assume makes their life better (good genes, looks, health, a partner, friends, family, success, wealth, fame/celebrity, etc.) – some or all of it – we have no idea how they feel inside their head, what they have, are or will be dealing with, and whether or not they have any clear idea of how to appreciate it, anyway.
Much as we get angry at those who seem to carelessly flaunt what we wish we had, other may become angry at us for something they shun but we can’t help. Either way, it’s a lose-lose.
Better to focus on what you admire in others and be proud of what you admire about yourself.
The next time someone insults you or makes you uncomfortable, establish your bubble and flick the offensive words, gestures or thoughts away. And as quickly as possible, find something you genuinely like about the other person and/or yourself and fixate on that.
After all, we are ALL flawed – from the worst to the best of us.
Thanks for the comment and I’m really glad that you’ve found something that works for you with the bubble flick technique. It’s not for me though – there is a way that I insist on being treated and if people do that that I have no interest in trying to find something that I like about them to fixate on because they don’t get to be in my life.
~Ragen
The thing that annoys me the most about fat hatred in people’s inability – and unwillingness – to *think*. They just spout the same crap they’ve been taught without taking even a microsecond to evaluate it. And if you try to encourage them to do so they actively resist, as though you are trying to get them to do something difficult or harmful!
I know it isn’t as easy for thin, or ‘normal-bodied’ people to understand that fat is normal the way we fatties do (because we live this life, in these bodies). But still there are other ways they can come to it… the thin person who eats like a horse and never gains any weight, why don’t they ever get that lightbulb moment and wonder “if this is true for me, can’t the opposite be true for others; that they eat ‘normally’ or little and don’t lose weight?” Why can’t they open their eyes to the fat person they know who exercises and eats well but is still fat? I’ve been that ‘fat person they know’ and I’ve had people who knew my (healthy) habits still insist I had to be doing something wrong because ‘everyone knows’ that you only get fat through sloth and gluttony…
I’m sorry, this has turned into a wee rant
But people who don’t *think*, who don’t exercise their minds… I don’t understand them, and I despair of them.
Can this be a T-shirt?
Perfect.
Ooooh! That would be nice!
~ManDee
Done and one!
http://www.zazzle.com/things_you_can_tell_by_looking_at_a_fat_person_tshirt-235146528952661698?rf=238996292394240482 (it comes in a bunch of colors and you can also select a dark colored t-shirt and the text will become white)
Thanks!
~Ragen
What a lovely suggestion. It is now a shirt:
http://www.zazzle.com/things_you_can_tell_by_looking_at_a_fat_person_tshirt-235146528952661698?rf=238996292394240482 (it comes in a bunch of colors and you can also select a dark colored t-shirt and the text will become white)
Thanks!
~Ragen
I teach Love Your Body workshops, and at the beginning of every workshop when I see the line of beautiful women walk in, fat, thin, and in between, I always think, “All these beautiful women don’t love their bodies? They couldn’t possibly need this workshop, could they?” And then I remember, how you look on the outside says NOTHING about how you feel about your body on the inside. In fact, when I was at my thinnest, I was the most unhappy with my body ever. I love my fatter body now more than I ever loved my thin one. I think the take-home message is… don’t make assumptions about other people’s bodies, period.
Perspectives in context, from the RD, CDE you quoted in your recent post: http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2011/10/healthy-at-every-size.html
Judging by the context and your words, it sounds like you’re a bit confused about Fat Acceptance and Heath At Every Size.
Hey Guys, thanks for the love. Believe me, it’s been a hard, hard lesson for me to learn because in the last four years, I have been through the wringer experience-wise.
This post reminded me of a woman I met about two years ago at my son’s after-school football practice. She was in her early 30′s, about 5’10″, blonde, blue eyes, white teeth, tanned, slim…just beautiful…and a great personality to boot. Of course I stared at her with untold jealousy and a bit of rage until we got on the topic of family. And then…holy lord, the things she had just been through made my angst and strife seem so much more bearable. Actually brought me to tears, and I’m a tough nut. I still think of her, every time I see a “beautiful”, together person, and remind myself of one of my favourite mottoes: “LOOK CLOSER”…
Hmm, I’m thinking posters as well as T-shirts for the diagram.