One thing that fat people often tell me makes them uncomfortable is the idea that they take up too much space. Here’s what I think about that. I think that our bodies take up just the right amount of space, whatever size they are. If they get bigger or smaller they still take up just the right amount of space. Because they are our BODIES. Tall people don’t take up too much space. People in wheelchairs don’t take up too much space. Fat people don’t take up too much space. If you are on a crowded train and you sit with your legs completely splayed out sprawling across as much space as you can, then an argument can be made that you are taking up too much space, but it is impossible that your body takes up too much space just being fat.
There are things in the world that are made to fit only people of a certain size but that doesn’t make all other bodies wrong. Tall people struggle to fit into planes but we don’t suggest that they try to get shorter – we say that the plane isn’t made to suit their bodies. As a fat person I feel the same way. If I go into a restaurant and I’m not comfortable in their booths or the arms on their chairs pinch I have a few options. I can say nothing and suffer through, or I can leave immediately. I can let the management know about the problem and give them a chance to accomodate me, or I can just decide that if they wanted my business they would have made different choices and so leave and never come back.
Regardless of what I choose the problem resides with the booths and the chairs and not with my body. I take up just the right amount of space and I believe that you do too.
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I feel like 98% of the problems addressed in this blog stem from the fact that it is widely believed that fat is changeable. Like, “People can’t help how tall they are, but you could lose weight!” We may know that’s not true but the vast majority of people believe that statement to be the truth.
Thank you Ragen!!!! Truer words have not been spoken about personal space. Why does the world seem to think that everything and everyone need to be pigeon-holed into set sizes and shapes? I need to accept that I am pre-destined to take up this space, no matter what! Thank you for helping me realize this truth.
Exactly! Once upon a time when I went into restaurants and was taken to a booth I could barely squeeze into – let alone breathe properly or enjoy my food – I would meekly sit down and assume it was up to me to get smaller. Now if I’m taken to a booth I don’t think will fit comfortably I have no hesitation asking if I can sit at a table instead.
Funny thing, not one restaurant has protested or taken me to another uncomfortable seat.
Even as a kid I would protest if things were set up in such a way that it made my left-handedness awkward to deal with, but it took me decades to realize that other people’s failure to set the world up for me and my fellow fats because of our girth was equally annoying and inappropriate.
And yes, Rosie Y, it does come back to the myth that body size is something under our absolute control. We keep right on assuming that to be true no matter how much evidence is found (over and over and over again) that it just doesn’t work that way.
One of the most empowering things I have ever done for myself is get over being embarrassed and just ASK for the things I need, whether it’s a bigger seat, a chair without arms, or a bigger bathrobe at the spa. It took a long time — at least half a decade — but I think I’ve gotten pretty good at finding the right balance of being polite while also sounding not-ashamed about my request. And why should I be ashamed? People come in all different sizes. If you’re going to run a business catering to all people, you have to be prepared to actually cater to all people.
I used to feel very ashamed if I wasn’t comfortable sitting somewhere because that meant I wasn’t “normal” but what ended up changing my mind about that was being pregnant. I don’t fit anywhere lol, even the chairs at my OB office are uncomfortable. Heck, my own house is uncomfortable sometimes. I learned pretty quick to let someone know if I was uncomfortable and I realized I should have been doing that all along. I agree with you, our bodies take up the right amount of space. Everyone is different and every body is different, I don’t know why this is so hard for people to understand.
The first time I felt comfortable asking for seating accommodations was when I was hugely pregnant and could not fit at most booths at restaurants. It was a lot easier to ask for help than I had thought, and I had wished that I had decided to ask for help a lot sooner because the honest truth is that life is much easier when you are COMFORTABLE in your body, and that often requires accommodations in public. When I see people enjoying the free scooters at the grocery store, it makes me smile because I know that they’re probably being empowered to do something that would be pretty hard for them otherwise.
After my pregnancy, I’ve become a lot more comfortable asking for help, and most of all, doing my best to banish the negative thoughts in my own head, which are pretty much the biggest obstacle for me. But you wouldn’t believe how much easier it got when I did it a lot, and especially because I have a small child and I want to model asking nicely for what we want when I’m with her (and yes, we ask nicely for free balloons and stickers and little cookies at the grocery store, etc because it’s great practice for Please and Thank You).
Anyway, so it’s worked really well for me…and I really appreciate you bringing up this topic. It is so important that we all feel that spaces are safe for each person!
Thank you very much for bringing this topic up…. Earlier i used to feel bad for being overweight esp in the trains…. now i am accepting myself the way i am…thank u very much dear Regan for this post.