You do the “right” thing and people still aren’t happy   I will say that Southwest has changed their policy – you now get refunded whether the flight is booked or not, and if you choose not to buy the other ticket you’ll be accommodated. 

~Ragen

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I think there is a nuance to this that might be worth thinking about. For me, the problem sometimes is that the progress comes very unevenly based on existing inequalities. We try to get a change that benefits all the people who need it, and because of racism, homophobia, or whatever stigma, it only gets changed for people who already have a privilege. For me it then becomes very bittersweet to celebrate, because someone is not celebrating and is essentially left out of the party altogether. I think this is at the root of a lot of what you are talking about – not all, because there is also pessimism, cynicism, envy, perfectionism, and even competition over who makes something happen and how – but some. What gets experienced as “progress” depends on where you stand. I am acutely aware of the questions in the minds of the people left out by the progress about whether there will continue to be any will to pursue change for them, too. So I might say, yeah, let’s celebrate, but with the voices of the people who got left out right at the center. Again, because the activism has to be sustainable and has to last all of our lifetimes, because there is so much suffering and unfairness.

I am old enough to remember when a local iconic ale house refused to admit or serve women.

I’ve never been there. It’s not that I ever refused to go – there was never a specific situation when I would have – but I’ve always felt a bit uncomfortable at the idea. At the same time, I celebrate the fact that a young woman I know hung out there with her fellow engineering grad students – the whole point of the campaign was that a woman could go have lunch with her peers.

I do think – considering this – that some of my attitude was because, when the change was made, women who did go there were seen as gloating over a victory, seen as instigators, rather than conciliators. But surely that faded after a few years – and even 30 years ago I would have been welcomed just as a customer.

An airline is a different culture, though – and a clothing company has an entirely different business model. The airline never wanted us not to fly – they just wanted us duly penalized for the problems we were perceived to cause. (While not penalizing socially acceptable people who caused similar problems.) And if a clothing company finally does make a line of clothes for us, they are actually punished for cooperating with us if we don’t buy them… it’s not as if they can sell the 20s to an 8. We don’t want to say “Cooperate with us *and* lose money!” That’s counterproductive.

Just as we need to recognize our own victories, we need to acknowledge their progress, even if all we do as a group is say thanks. It’s easier to take the next step if the first one is noticed and praised.

After all, when a baby takes it’s first, wobbly steps we don’t sniff disdainfully that it hasn’t run a marathon yet or that it needed too much encouragement to get there. We smile until we nearly split our faces in two, clap our hands, and coo in ecstasy. We hold out our hands and ask them to come to us. We hug it when it gets there. Then the baby knows taking a step is a good thing and takes another.

So if a company expands a size range, or ends a discriminatory policy, or takes down an offensive campaign, we need to think of it as that first, wobbly step and give them some positive feedback. Positive reinforcement can help our cause.

Your point is very well taken, indeed.

At least I started to go swimming some time ago again. I love water, but I was scared to show my body in a swimsuit. Now, thanks to all you beautiful people out there reclaiming our fat bodies, I don’t give a shit what people might think. Some weeks ago a woman even approached me in the shower and asked me if I would like to join her dieting group! Sadly I was so perplex that I couldn’t say much more than no, and honestly: I hope to meet her again, just to make some things clear