Those who have the audacity to suggest that fat people are human beings who deserve to be treated with basic human respect tend to be the recipients of plenty o’ hatemail. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I often feel like my haters aren’t reaching their full potential, so I thought I’d help out. Here are 5 quick and basic tips to improve your online fat hating:
1. Lose and Loose – learn the difference. Lose is a verb that means to suffer the loss of. Loose is an adjective that means the opposite of tight or constrained. They are not interchangeable. Here’s a sentence to help you out: If one more person e-mails to tell me I need to loose weight, I’m going to seriously lose my temper.
2. Speaking of spelling, cunt is spelled C-U-N-T. The number of times I’ve been called a fat cnut is absolutely staggering. Apparently I’m not the only one, Clever Pie covered this issue in their fabulous song ‘Thank You Hater.” I’m just saying that if you’re going to use your precious, limited time on earth to send me an e-mail calling me names, at least take the extra three seconds to spell check that shit.
For the record I don’t feel any need to apply my grammar/spelling criticism consistently. I make plenty of grammar and spelling errors myself. If someone is trying to engage in actual conversation then I don’t care at all about their grammar and spelling. If someone is writing me for the purpose of spreading hate or attempting to make me hate myself, then I reserve the right to be offended that they didn’t at least take the time to use the spelling and grammar check.
3. Calling me a landwhale. I don’t mind this per se, I’ve even seen some pretty decent photo shop combinations with my body and a whale’s head, I am always impressed that someone took that kind of time on me. The thing is, there are fat animals that live on land and I feel like they’re not getting their due. There is just no need to make up animals when you could call me an elephant, hippo, or rhino. Or, go the extra mile and do some research (I mean, do you want to be just an adequate hater or do you want to really excel?) Did you know that the Formicium giganteum was an ant that was HUGE by ant standards – larger than a hummingbird. So you could call me Formicium giganteum or, since we know that spelling isn’t your strong suit, just call me Formi!
4. If you are going to make an impassioned and/or indignant assertion that you are just doing this to help me (incidentally I think that I’ll know when you’re being helpful because I’ll actually feel helped, but that’s a blog for another day), if you want to try to make the claim that you are somehow doing this for my own good, you might want to take a pass on mocking me for doing the very things you say I need to do – find a way to keep yourself from photo shopping a whale’s head onto a picture of me exercising, somehow find the restraint not to post videos of me dancing and then mock them. I’m only telling you this for your own good, since otherwise people are going to assume that you are a massive jackass.
5. Finally, the way that you are able to e-mail me and say “Ragen, You are a fat landwhale cnut who needs to loose weight,” attaching that picture you spent so much time photo shopping, is because I put my e-mail, picture, and name on this blog. Even knowing that I’m going to suffer abuse from bigots, I put my name on what I write. So if you’re going to sign that e-mail swolebro or whatever anonymous thing you use, then you are a coward. You can fuck right the hell off, at the very least until you locate your guts.
So there it is, a little dose of fat hater community service from danceswithfat. Those of you with your own haters know that there are many more areas for hater improvement, but I thought we’d start with the basics today and leave the rest for another time.
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