If Diet Companies Had Realistic Slogans

Success and DietsI saw a hilarious  post about what would happen if companies had realistic slogans  (TW: explicit language) and I thought that I would borrow the idea.  Please know that I’ve done almost all of these diets – most of which were prescribed by doctors – and it’s not my intention to criticize anyone who has done or will do them, just the people who sell them.   Without further adieu:

Weight Watchers: 

Pay $1270 to lose 5 pounds in two years – enjoy gaining it all back in the next three.

Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don’t ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don’t want to know.

Those deceptive trade practice lawsuits?  Look, over there, it’s a shiny celebrity spokesperson!  results not typical

Alli: 

Uncontrolled anal seepage isn’t as bad as it sounds.  Really.

It’s not fecal incontinence, it’s “aversion therapy” and that’s always a great idea.  Say thank you, fatty.

Spend $800.00 to lose 4 pounds – most of which will leak out of your ass.

Jenny Craig/NutriSystem:

Forget everything you’ve heard about farm-to-table, locally sourced, whole, slow foods.  Get our highly processed food in a baggie and microwave that shit.

Are you hungry?  What would you like to eat?  Don’t worry your pretty little head about questions like this, just eat what we say when we say and don’t ask too many questions.

Hell yeah microwaved cheeseburgers!

MediFast: 

Eat reconstituted soy protein five times a day, stop menstruating, and lose your hair – you’ll feel so healthy!

The same powder can be made into a shake, a pancake, or soup.  That’s not a bug, it’s a feature, we promise!

Pay $40 to become a “health coach” and join our Pyramid Scheme, see if you just get three friends and then they each sign up three friends… we’ll all be thin gazillionaires!

Slimfast: 

Mmmmmm, laxatives!

Wait, our product is still legal?  Dude, that’s awesome.

At least you don’t have to drink it from a metal can anymore – but if you like that metallic edge to your chocolate sludge the can is still available.

If you want more information about the basis for these slogans check out https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/some-diet-company-questions/

If you have ideas for slogans, please feel free to leave them in the comments – maybe the diet companies will take us up on some of these!

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If my selling things on the blog makes you uncomfortable, you might want to check out this post.  Thanks for reading! ~Ragen

Published in: on December 28, 2013 at 8:04 am  Comments (40)  

40 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I have tried all these too. Feeling rather sad about how easily I was sucked into it. All these diets have done have made me fatter and miserable. Love reading your blog posts. I walked away from dieting a year ago and gained weight quite rapidly eating normal amounts of food for a person my size. One of the most difficult things I have ever done after a lifetime of brainwashing. I am still on my journey to body acceptance but I’m in a better place now than then. Keep up your marvellous work x

  2. And, of course: “it is your fault if this doesn’t work”.

    I see this being repeated in my family over generations, and I wish there were more of us Ragen-ites preaching the common sense.

    Thank you. —Jen

  3. All that you have said,is right on.I too have done all of the diets out there.i am now coming to understand just eat what is real and forget the rest.Find peace in that.Love yourself more.

  4. For all diet companies: “It’s Our Success When You Lose, And Your Fault When You Gain!”

  5. Love, love, love these! I have one friend currently on Medifast. It made me sad when she went on it. She was the one that got me into size acceptance and then, all of a sudden, she was talking about how much weight she lost every day and how skinny she felt. I haven’t seen those posts in a while so I suspect she’s reached the plateau.

    I have another friend who is on this Metaboliq by Qivana http://www.qivanaproducts.com/metaboliq-overview/
    She lost around 60 lbs the first month (never a good thing in my estimation) and the weight loss has now slowed down but she’s still losing. I know absolutely nothing about it aside from it’s a shake and also two supplements, one of which numbs your sweet receptors in your tongue so you can’t taste sugar. She said it made it so easy because she said cookies were disgusting because all you could taste was the baking soda and flour. Has anybody ever heard of it before? Know anything about it? I’m really worried about her on it because she’s had major health problems which includes a portion of her liver removed and she can’t take strong pain meds or antibiotics anymore or it will hurt the remainder of her liver, and yet doc was all hunky dory with her taking it as :”it’s all natural.” My mental retort was, yeah, so is Oleander, Arsnic, etc, but if you ingest them they can still hurt or kill you. I kept it under wraps due in part to the underpants rule, though I did just one time ask how it would effect her liver and her response was that it was all natural and the docs gave her the ok. I wanted to scream and cry that obviously docs can be wrong or else she wouldn’t have cancer in her ear from the crap they’ve done and would still have the rest of her liver, but I didn’t. I zipped my lips, threw on my “Minding my own Underpants” shirt, and sucked it up. Still worried though and reading this blog brought my worries back up to the surface.

    Thanks!

  6. For Weight Watchers: We’ll brainwash you into believing counting Points is totally normal, and when you reach a plateau (you will), we will side eye you at weigh in. Clearly you’re doing it wrong! Or maybe it’s just your body going into starvation mode. But just try harder! After all, on Weight Watchers you can eat anything (it’s a lifestyle choice, not a diet!) and be just like skinny people, so clearly if there’s a problem, it’s with you! Still hungry? Just overexcercise to get some more Points!

    Can you tell how much I love WW? Single worst thing, out of oh-so-many, I ever did to myself to try to lose weight… aside from just literally not eating, but frankly, that didn’t come with the emotional angst WW came with when it (naturally) failed.

    • WW! (((snorts in disgust)) Even if you manage to be one of their “success stories” , hit your Goal (or well beyond it) and become one of the “Skinny People”, you STILL will be the problem,do it wrong and not try hard enough!

      I did WW Online 3 years. Lost so much I’m about 5-6 pounds from having a very high fever and not a weight. In the end before I got smart and quit paying them for their craptacular product, every time I weighed in I was within two pounds below and a pound above my “Goal Weight”. Mostly it was a pound below and a half pound above. That was going on for quite some time. Exactly what Weight Watchers claims it wants its “successful” members to do. But when I was at the high end of the range their software would practically lose its digital grip at me and carry on as if I’d gained so much that I now weighed more than a fully loaded 85 car freight train. Being at the low end was no better; then I’d be told I was stupid, that clearly didn’t know what I was doing and to talk to my Leader. This for an Online only member who didn’t HAVE a Leader. Their software doesn’t even have the simple coding in it to differentiate what type of member the users are befor spitting out a generic useless canned response. Even staying exactly the same as the week before elicited a You’re Stupid, Are The Problem, Aren’t Trying Hard Enough, and You’re Doing it ALL Wrong type message. Only time that it was happy was a couple times when I’d worked so much overtime while eating just my “Daily Points” that I dropped a few tenths below that silly 2 pound range. You’d think then the software would come to the end of its tether and deliver a preachy lecture since it would get so worked up about staying within the range, But nooooooooooo! THOSE times it was giddy with joy, telling me how wonderful and good I was for losing SO MUCH WEIGHT! I finally decided that all of that was ridiculous, not worth the price I was being charged and was making me feel as if I were the crazy one, and I quit Online. Went to one of their WW Corporate Meeting Centers to see if that would be any different. I didn’t hold out much hope; the Meetings were exactly the same way as the software when I last did WW in the late 90’s. I was right of course, because at the meeting center I was more or less told I was lying and could not possibly have lost what I did doing it Online only. Not believed even though I had Before Pictures to compare to the reality of the tiny thing I’d become. Left WW forever then. Will NEVER go back. I am asked regularly how I lost the weight; I work in a retail store, so I get asked often. I tell them it was on WW, but that I’ve quit, wonlt be going back, and don’t recommend WW.

  7. WW and JC worked really well for me…I lost a crap tonne of weight on both and found some crazy confidence in my more “acceptable” appearance.

    However.

    Side affects of Jenny Craig included poverty (that shit’s expensive, and as a brand-new teacher living paycheck to paycheck, I had to stop because I couldn’t afford it), social isolation (particularly on staff luncheon days where I’d be eating my cup of black bean soup and carrot sticks and they’d be eating lovely catered lunches), heart problems (I lived on so little calories that I had no energy and drank coffee by the gallon…which lead to an irregular heart beat), deception (I’d hand out slices of birthday cake to others as a trick to keep myself from feeling deprived) and sleep problems (in that I drove my body so hard during the week all I wanted to do on the weekends was sleep).

    And HUNGER. Extreme HUNGER that gave me migraines.

    Side effects of WWs included EXTREME food obsession (lying awake with a tummy eating itself because I was starving but had run out of points), justifying every single mouthful, the stigma of the weigh-in which would trigger my anxiety disorder to amazingly high levels, and the “tsk tsking” of the WWs leaders on meetings nights when I hadn’t lost. Also obsession with the scale at the gym which would send me into a Hate Spiral if it showed no difference in weight loss after a sold 50 minute intensive cardio work out. I was also dehydrated all the time because water added weight, so I drank little.

    And HUNGER. Extreme HUNGER that gave me nightmares.

    So yeah. Great times.

    • Thank you for posting this. Just before I read this blog and your comment, I decided to quit WW. I, too, experienced nightmarish extreme hunger, which in turn created so much anguish and anxiety, it triggered a serious meltdown and a depression that lasted several months. After 30 years of dieting, I’m done. Working so hard, to lose 24 lbs in 4+ years (originally 50 lbs lost, but with 26 lb regain), was truly the definition of insanity (i.e. “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results”).

  8. “Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don’t ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don’t want to know.”

    I’ve got an addition to that for you!😀

    Fact Is, you can actually eat the same amount of “regular” ice cream for about the same “cost” as our WW version. This would be true for many of our products actually. We won’t tell you this, however. And while we expect you to read food labels, we sure hope you aren’t clever enough to read and compare labels between similar food products. Anyway, why on Earth would you want to eat foods with nothing more in them than things like cream, eggs, sugar, vanilla bean, and milk when you can eat something with a Chemistry Class ingredient list half a mile long?

  9. An actual quote from a friend: “Weight Watchers works. It worked every time I did it: all five times!” Long-term, not so much.

    • My favorite response to this stupid comment, it didn’t work if a person had to do it more than once.

  10. Had to play the “agree to disagree” game with my sister over WW last night. *sigh* Ah, well.

    • Would it help if I said that I didn’t really get sooooooooooooooo much healthier when I lost several dozen pounds on WW like “they” claim you will when you go from OMG!FAT! to near the bottom of one’s “Healthy” weight range for one’s height?😀. Oh, my blood pressure dropped. But as it used to average about 110/70 it’s not like it was high to start with! Now it averages so low, 90/60, that I get asked if I feel all right, and if my BP is regularly that low (by medical professionals new to my care). When assured that I feel fine and yes, it’s usually that low, the medical professional shrugs and says something to the effect of it would be a concern if I were not so small in both height and weight. Oh, and my Total Cholesterol, that dropped to 175 from 235. But much of that 235 was the HDL “good” cholesterol. That HDL droppped when I lost the weight, about 50 points or so, taking the Total Cholesterol with it. Either way I was healthy and am healthy. And I don’t feel “soooooooo much better” the way people assume I must feel after dropping all that weight. I feel much the same. This comes as a huge surprise to many questioners. I’m not sorry I lost what I lost but it’s not like the Lose Weight! All Problems Solved! Mantra isall it’s cracked up to be.

    • You know what is better than the agree to disagree card…the DISAGREE to disagree one!

      Because you know WE are right!

  11. I just spewed my coffee out my nose over the WW ice cream/fiber comment! Wait! Will that make me lose (or loose) weight! I just invented a new diet! The Coffee Nose Enema Diet(tm)! I’ll be rich!!! Er…I mean, we’ll all lose (loose) weight and keep it off!

    • Can’t we all talk about our cats instead?😉

      • OK that made me laugh. Snort.

        • Scrolling over the picture of preacherjean’s cats inspired me. =^..^=

    • Will these folks ever realize that loosing weight means you undid it, maybe even made it more jiggly.

  12. Even when I was a WW believer, the products put me off. If I don’t want to eat regular ice cream because I am dieting, but I am craving creamy chocolaty sweetness–then I can make myself a cup of chocolate milk! Or cocoa, from scratch even! It costs a hell of a lot less, and I’m not ingesting stuff I don’t even know what it is.*

    I also thought it was annoying that if I wanted to be “good,” I could buy WW frozen meals on sale, but if I wanted to be full, I had to eat two of them.

    *That said, if I have a terrible cold such that my throat is on fire and everything tastes like you-know-what, those WW giant “fudge” bars somehow fill me up. Probably the added fiber. And they still taste like chocolate.

  13. Every For Profit Diet Plan Ever: Screwing you hard all the way to the bank.

    WW: Trust us… even though we’ve lost lots of lawsuits about our exaggerated claims for the efficacy of our program.

    Jenny Craig: Hey, it keeps working for Kirstie Alley every few years. Stay tuned for her next stint as our spokescelebrity!

  14. Definitely brainwashing. If you enjoy watching TV (and I do) those types of ads are all over it. If I am having a day when I’m not feeling so good about my weight, they become tempting.

    Then I stop and think about how skinny people don’t usually live like that. Maybe some move more than I do, but that still won’t make me whatever my ‘ideal’ weight is supposed to be.

  15. And then I think “realistically can I live the rest of my life famished 24/7, feeling bad about every bite i put in my mouth? Panicking if I gain a pound, worry if I lose control one day and mentally beat myself up because of it? I really think that’s only a half life…..the whole joy of food totally removed…..how sad I was. I can’t go back to that.

    • Right on! Also something I (sadly) only recently realized. Thank you for posting this.

  16. You left off the side effect that finally convinced me to quit dieting. A-hem.

    *Side effects include major emotional disturbance, which can include severe depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. If you experience these, don’t bother telling your doctor because they won’t care and neither will we.

    • This happened to me the only time I ever lost a significant amount of weight. I was crazy. I said things to people I would not normally say, being mean and hypercritical. I was very depressed and often planned the best way to kill myself. It was horrible. I’m surprised I have any family members who will still speak to me.

      After I gained all the weight back and then some, I tried to tell a nurse what I had happened to me when I was on a “sensible” weith loss plan, and she looked at me as if I had 3 eyes.

      However, my problem is this. I am much older than most of you (I think) and my joints are bad, I have hypertension, and probably am diabetic, although I won’t let them test me because I don’t think the pills do anything meaningful for my health. Better numbers do not mean healthier, despite what the docs all preach. When I see the nurse again, I know she will want me on even more blood pressure medicine. I’m already tired all the time from what I take now.

      I guess what I’m saying is that as one ages, the challenges of being fat increase. Are there any old broads out there like me who are dealing with this?

      • I’m 68 and struggling with various health issues including all that you mention, plus breathing problems. Health providers do bug me about my weight, and I try to explain the HAES approach. And, I do what I can to stay as healthy as possible and keep my spirits up. Luckily, I have a large (pardon pun) size acceptance community that gives me tons of support. One of the main causes of diagnosing high blood pressure in fat people is wrong size of blood pressure cuff. Add in white coat fears, and we often test much higher than our normal blood pressure. So stand your ground on the amount of med for that. You don’t have to feel tired all the time! I find that surrounding myself with fat accepting friends is very important for me.

        • It doesn’t make it any easier that we are blamed for our medical issues. I do have a great doctor with a great nurse practitioner, but I avoid doctors as much as possible. I’m just too embarassed about my size to see one. Don’t know what I will do if I have a problem that really needs serious attention.

          I will ask about the blood pressure cuff size the next time I go to the office. I can’t get my medication unless I go see them every once in a while. *sigh*

          • I understand feelings of embarrasment, but let me put this in some different words for you. By refusing to go to the doctor, then you are essentially allowing his or her potential and unconfirmed narrow-mindedness to put your health in jeopardy. Is that truly acceptable to you? Is it more important to you to have your doctor not confront you about weight than it is to live your life to the fullest? What if your daughter had the same trouble making this choice? What would you say to her?

            You are absolutely the boss of your own underpants and you have the right to make all your own decisions – even the right to say that someone else is allowed to control your choices, but from your statement I’m not sure that’s what you really want. Here’s a thought that several folks here have used before: Take us with you to the doc’s office in your pocket. Print off some of Ragen’s columns and encouraging comments from us readers.

            Your beautiful self is far too precious to risk losing. *hugs*

      • Just throwing it out there because I had this problem: Could low iron be making you tired?

        • Thank you for the idea, but I don’t think I am low on iron. When I donate blood, my level is always normal. I was anemic once and it was when I was (what else?) dieting and had lost a lot of weight.

  17. How about…

    Try our simple formula “eat less and move more” Not only will you automatically become obsessed with food, you will also become obsessed with exercise as every time you eat all you have to do is move and it all cancels out. Not to mention once you cut down your calories you will have the sudden desire to binge eat and stalk the chip table at every party…

    Oh wait you’re eating less and moving more and it’s not working? We have a simple answer for that… You must be lying on your food log and/or not working out hard enough. That’s it!

    Or was this just me?

  18. Did nutri-system back in the 1980s. The chemical food was so NASTY that I barfed when I was cooking it. Well, I guess that’s one way to lose. (sarcasm alert) Did WW twice back in the 1970s, before they had Products. Seemed sensible, but still gained it back. And more. Haven’t and won’t try any more. I am what I am.

  19. So depressing at this time of year in the “weight loss/supposed health benefits” saga as you can guarantee from the day following Christmas day, the diet company adverts will start on TV&they have! What’s called Boxing Day here, on 26th December, there’s a new sickly advert for Weight Watchers(I think, as they all seem same) about an older woman, the Mum, going clothes shopping with her adult daughter and the Mum grinning saying how much better, healthier&happier she feels, yet there are no real statistics given to how they’ve come to that conclusion?

    There’s no post delivered here today, being a Sunday, but I spotted a leaflet sticking in letterbox and it was a flyer for a local “Slimming World” club to attend, straight in the recycling bag!

    Then it’s on to QVC shopping channel, who for months now have been urging you to eat, drink&be merry in the very long build up to Christmas. They now sell food items and chocolates( a UK High Street brand, Thorntons) and I myself bought a multi box selection of these. The presenters of waffled on about all the parties you’d be going to, eating lots of mince pies etc., and now they’re advertising New Year programmes of, “Get fit & healthy”, Exercise/Pilates equipment, weight loss products and the new ongoing added ingredient of “shapewear products” to “hide the bulges”!!!

    There wasn’t even a chance to escape on watching a 3 hour “Gem Fest” jewellery programme last night as as well as the male presenter, the female presenter was one I and many others don’t like. She’s some kind of “Fitness/Health” writer/other, is unbelievably skinny and to me always looks unhealthy(I know we shouldn’t do that!) is always moaning about being cold(even in hot studio) and she mentioned about barely being able to eat half of an amazing&large mince pie! Apparently some viewer contacted them and asked for advice on “getting fitter/healthier” and she said “you have to want to do it, you can’t make someone do it” and “you have to be committed to it”. That was bad enough and I was thinking I’ll have to turn over, when she said the ultimate put down, “clients had contacted her in the past and said that after seeing a photo of themselves looking fat, they could no longer go on” and she then showed them the error of their ways(that’s my words).

    Oh well, I suppose most of January will have this, before we go into the “get thin&healthy”(never forget the healthy bit!) for Spring/Summer/Holidays/Whatever?

    Marion, UK

    • Lol, Marion….I’m in UK too. It does my head in all this January diet crap! I was actually in the company of a a Slimming World Consultant 2 days ago and we got talking about the diet and I tried to explain to her how Slimming World never worked for me (I believe due to my very low calorie fad diet reduced metabolic state (what a mouthful!!). She told me without even knowing me or what I had been eating that I obviously hadn’t been doing it right!! I explained I had also been exercising (spinning) 4 times a week and she exclaimed that that was the reason and that I shouldn’t exercise!!!!!! I couldn’t believes ears!!! She said that reducing down the calories was more important for weight loss than exercise…….maybe she has a point if pure weight loss is what you want over health and fitness (and I know some people retain fluid upon starting a new fitness regime)! but it showed me that it isnt good for business if people exercise and don’t lose actual pounds on the scale at their weekly weigh ins. I’ve heard of them advising clients not to exercise if there is no weight loss which I think is totally wrong (unless there’s is a health issue) I’ll never be back at any weight loss club again

  20. Weight Watchers: For when real Sudoku is too much fun.

    Alli: It’s the shit.

    Nutrisystem: The plastic toy food you can eat for real.

    Medifast: You haven’t had this much fun with suspicious powder since the 1980’s.

    SlimFast: We promise we’re not serving you Alli’s most common side-effect in a can. It just tastes like it.

    • LMAO! Awesome!

    • Freaking brilliant, especially the Alli one. Brava!!!

  21. The fact that the “explanation” for regaining is: “well of course you’re going to regain ONCE YOU GO BACK TO EATING NORMALLY” is the best reason for avoid such draconian interventions. They are not sustainable.


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