The “Pirelli Calender” is released each year by the Pirelli Tire company, heretofore featuring nude, partially nude, or nearly nude models chosen for their ability to approximate the current stereotype of beauty as models. This year Pirelli deliberately took a different approach, choosing photographer Annie Leibovitz to photograph women chosen for their achievements across various fields from entertainment, to sports, to philanthropy (though there are definitely still plenty of issues with inclusion and under-representation.) The December picture is of Amy Schumer, mostly nude.
The mere sight of her kicked former Fox News contributor Steven Crowder right in the misogynies, and spurred him to write a truly ridiculous missive on his blog “Louder with Crowder” (spoiler alert: having read the piece I feel that perhaps it’s telling that his name rhymes with “louder” rather than “smarter” or “not a sexist sizeist asshat.”) Let’s take a peek:
Dear Fat Feminists: leave your clothes on, you’re not brave.
Also… leave your clothes on.
Leave our clothes on…or what? I must have missed it when they declared Steve the boss of the fat feminists. Was there a ceremony? Was it nice? Can we get some manner of recall election?
Amy Schumer posed kind of nude for Pirelli calendar in a pose I can only describe as “MY EYES, MY EYES!” Because sorry, men don’t find Amy Schumer sexually attractive. Damn, *RETROACTIVE TRIGGER WARNING*.
The only trigger warning we need is for those who are triggered by people with ridiculously over-exaggerated senses of self-importance. Out of curiosity, does anybody know if Steve was appointed the spokesperson for all men before or after he was appointed boss of the fat feminists? I’m going to ask for the first, but not the last, time at this point – why does Steve think women should care if he – or any other man – finds them sexually attractive? Why would he think that Amy Schumer would take his dick into account when deciding how she wants to be photographed?
The rolls, that facial expression, the coffee cup? Seriously, why the coffee cup? Is that supposed to be ironic? I’m sitting on a stool in my undies and I’m jonesing for a coffee? I don’t get it. Send help and biscotti.
I’m going to go out out on a limb here and guess that not “getting it” is a consistent problem for you, so if you’ll accept a little advice – Google is your friend, Steve “During a press conference, Leibovitz said, “The idea was that she was the only one who had not got the memo about wearing clothes.”
Also, let’s talk about this for a second: Heidi Klum or Cindy Crawford getting naked is not praised as “brave.” Why not? Glad you asked. Both women are smoking hot and look good naked. An athlete like Serena Williams, while she may not be your cup of tea, has also earned her physique. When selling nudie calendars, we generally try to sell them with women who look good nude.
Let me try a “massive jerk” to “not a massive jerk” translation: “I like it when the world is based on patriarchy, where every picture of a woman is taken with my boner as the primary audience.” Suck it Steve, the world, she’s a changing.
On the flip-side, Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham are no more “beautiful” than super-models are “funny.”
But when it comes to Amy Schumer or Lena Dunham or any other feminist who is anything but sexy, they’re labeled “brave.” Brace yourselves for some Crowder-like truth: only ugly, unattractive naked women are called “brave.” Why is it brave for Schumer to be naked? Because she’s unattractive. The conflict is only created because youthrust your naked, gelatinous, amoeba-like body in my face, which conflicts with my desire to not see you naked.
Here’s some Ragen-like truth: Steve is either the most dense person like, ever, or he is aggressively missing the point. The reason that we herald women who aren’t the stereotype of beauty as brave for appearing naked in public forums is that assholes like Steve will write shit like this about them. Also, again, why does he think women should care whether or not he wants to see us naked? When presented with an opportunity for a nude photoshoot does he actually think women should start by asking themselves “Would Steve Crowder want to see this picture?” Dude it’s called reality, feel free to come back to it anytime.
Now listen, I think Amy Schumer can be funny. The thing is, as a man, that enters precisely zero into my sexual attraction for her. Show me the funniest women at the bar, and I’ll show you a lady who’s single.
Holy shitballs Steve – let me offer you the concept a different way because you’re just not getting it. I sincerely hope that Amy Schumer cares less about whether you think she is funny than she cares about whether you want to fuck her (if it’s possible for her to care any less.) Regardless, no thinking, rational person could come to the conclusion that she is being funny for the express purpose of giving you a happy in your pants. EVERYTHINGISNOTABOUTYOURDICKSTEVE!
Women don’t have to be funny, because men want to get naked with you anyway. Unless you look like Lena Dunham. Then, we simply want to end the pain
Besides assuming – against all odds, evidence, logic, and reason – that every single man is attracted to the exact same women that he is, Steve assumes that because the only reason he does anything is to get laid, all women operate that way as well. You see, we’re not interested in using humor as a way to make people laugh, tell our stories, examine our culture, or deal with bullshit misogyny and sexism that comes at us- we’re just hoping that we can tell a joke funny enough that the guy laughs so hard that he falls over, impaling us with his dick. Also, on his blog this sentiment is followed by a remarkably tone deaf juxtaposition of two video clips that make it look like Patrick Stewart is shooting a fat child (Chunk from Goonies) with a machine gun. Keep it classy there Steve.
Lastly, art has become needlessly self-important. It used to be “art” looked good. It was made for the purpose of being beautiful. Art existing and stood on its own. Now, though, art has fallen into the same moral relativism as the rest of our words: meaningless. When “art” becomes self-serving, it is no longer beautiful and shouldn’t be considered “art.”
So, to “boss of the fat feminists” and “spokesman for all men” we can add “art decider.” How does Steve find the time? I guess it’s by knowing actually nothing about art. I mean, it can’t all be Patrick Stewart shooting a child amirite?
The only people buying your nudie calendar will be the butch-cutted, lesbian chain-gang at BuzzFeed. And that’s the way it should be.
Butch-cutted? Lesbian chain gang? What does that even mean? It’s like he was trying to wrap up the piece and then his homphobia just suddenly reared its lesbian-related-words-in-a-blender head. I don’t know what that’s about (though it makes me like BuzzFeed more,) what I do know is that Steve, who I’m going to nickname Steven “Missing the Point” Crowder, doesn’t understand how this calendar works. First of all, nobody can buy it, it’s given to a limited number of VIPs -it’s a really big deal to get one – and it’s generated a ton of positive press. Steve may not find Amy Schumer, or the other women in the calendar, attractive. But luckily, none of them have to care what he thinks, and neither do any of us.
But don’t worry, change is happening (though it seems Steve may be left behind.) In this great piece a woman talks about how Amy Schumer’s picture helped her deal with her personal body issues as well as the way that she was judging other women. Kudos to her for the introspection and for writing about it. Progress is happening and the Steve’s of the world aren’t going to stop it. Thee’ll just be sitting in the company of their highly prized penises, complaining about it.
More Cool Stuff!
The Respect Our Sex Project is in the final push for their fundraiser. They are asking for donations of $5 (yup, just $5) to create access to sex education, resources, and gear for people of all sizes, physical abilities, ages, and anatomies. I think it’s a really cool project.
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