Twas the week before Christmas and all through the mail, the diet companies shill programs guaranteed to fail.
It’s that time of year – diet companies try to convince us to join them before “the holidays”, or to make them our New Year’s Resolution and we are inundated with diet ads on television, radio, and print. That means it’s time for the annual DancesWithFat “Realistic Slogans for Diet Companies” post.
Please know that I’ve done almost all of these diets – most of which were prescribed by doctors – and it’s not my intention to criticize anyone who has done or will do them, just the people who sell them. Without further ado:
Weight Watchers:
Pay $1270 to lose 5 pounds in two years.
Eat our special Weight Watchers ice cream, don’t ask us how we got 4 grams of fiber into ice cream, you don’t want to know.
Those deceptive trade practice lawsuits? Look, over there, it’s a shiny celebrity spokesperson! results not typical
Body Hatred – your key to the good life.
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that!
Alli:
Uncontrolled anal seepage isn’t as bad as it sounds. Really.
It’s not fecal incontinence, it’s “aversion therapy” and that’s always a great idea. Say thank you, fatty.
Spend $800.00 to lose 4 pounds – most of which will leak out of your ass.
Jenny Craig/NutriSystem etc.
Forget everything you’ve heard about farm-to-table, locally sourced, whole, slow foods. Get our highly processed food in a baggie and microwave that shit.
You aren’t capable of deciding when/if you’re hungry. Just eat what we say when we say and don’t ask any questions.
Hell yeah microwaved cheeseburgers!
Belviq:
Hilarious if it wasn’t horrifying!
We don’t know how it works, it could kill you, every single person in the trial regained weight, and it is addictive. Sign up for our free trial!
Special K:
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll wear Size Sassy, tomorrow, self-esteem is always a size away!
It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle choice – a lifestyle where you choose to diet.
MediFast:
Eat reconstituted soy protein five times a day, stop menstruating, and lose your hair – you’ll feel so healthy!
The same powder can be made into a shake, a pancake, or soup. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature, we promise!
Pay $40 to become a “health coach” and join our Pyramid Scheme, see if you just get three friends and then they each sign up three friends… we’ll all be thin gazillionaires!
Slimfast:
Mmmmmm, laxatives!
Wait, our product is still legal? Dude, that’s awesome!
At least you don’t have to drink it from a metal can anymore – but if you like that metallic edge to your chocolate sludge the can is still available.
If you want more information about the basis for these slogans check out https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/some-diet-company-questions/
If you have ideas for slogans, please feel free to leave them in the comments – maybe the diet companies will take us up on some of these!
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Dances With Fat 
Not Diabetic? Well Fatty you should be, so have some Metformin anyway! Metformin; a moment on the lips, an evening on the toilet.
wow. that happens to other people too? I thought it was just me – the whole prescribed Metformin while not being diagnosed with diabetes thing, I mean… I don’t remember having the toilet problem.
Your Doc must’ve been kind enough to give you the Slow-Release version 😉 ANY weight loss down the toilet is not a good thing. Seriously I can fold my boobs in half!
So, I got a new doctor (whom I hated for his non-fat-friendly ways immediately), but, anyway, I told him I took melatonin sometimes. Guess what this fatty’s chart said the next time I came in? Metformin: something I had never heard of. Hmmmm.
Assumptions much? !
(By the way, how dangerous could that have turned out to be? They can’t copy information down correctly into my chart!?)
This could also be an error from the drop-down menus that come up on medical records. The nurses who take my medical history don’t type anymore (let alone write notes by hand) — they click on menus and then click on conditions. As anyone who’s ever used computer menus knows, it is WAY too easy to be off by a line and click on the wrong thing.
A couple of years back I had the dickens of a time convincing a doctor that I do not now and have not ever had Osteoporosis, because “it says you do in your chart!” Finally I figured out what had happened; giving a thorough medical history before some surgery, I mentioned my OsteoARTHRITIS and the medical assistant on the computer clicked on the next entry down–OsteoPOROSIS. I would not be at all surprised if my records still show me as having osteoporosis, because it was very difficult to persuade the staff that this was an error.
My husband took Metformin for T2 diabetes & for him it was a great drug. When I was prescribed it, after a solid 6 month trial, I was still fainting several times a day. Luckily, this never coincided with my frequent “runs” to the toilet. No more. I’m happy to risk hypoglycemia rather than that. Luckily, hypoglycemia isn’t a problem as long as I eat on schedule.
Yeah, metformin gives me the runs too, but not every day. Luckily, I work from home so it’s not so bad to be constantly heading for the john. I actually prefer it to all the newer diabetic drugs because sure as shite, after they’re out a couple of years I start seeing the lawyer ads on TV. “If you’ve been injured or killed by taking RipoffRx, call this number and join our class action lawsuit…”
I try to never take any drug unless it’s been on the market for 20 years or so.
If you don’t have diabetes, and you take Metformin, an evening on the toilet is the least of your worries.
More like, “24 hours of having your family cram sugar down your throat, trying to keep you from slipping into a coma, just because your ‘doctor’ took one look at you, and prescribed a blood-sugar lowering medication, without waiting for the test results that, when they came back, showed that you are not, in fact, diabetic, at all.”
I snorted into my coffee at “Wait, our product is still legal? Dude, that’s awesome!” Brava.
In Germany there is a company calling themselves “You may” “Du darfst”- and their slogan was till 2012 “I want to stay as I am – you may” “Ich will so bleiben wie ich bin – Du darfst” – well, surprise – even without their fat-reduced tasteless things I manage to stay just the way I am 🙂 2012 they shortly had “F… the diet”. (Must have missed that.) Both not really helpful I’d say if you want your clients to buy your products because they should change … Today it’s “Just my taste” You see – other nations have their problematic advertising, too. And yes, after 41 years they are still in business.
“Du darfst” is not only the worst patronising brand name ever, but has less flavour than the packaging it comes in. I only know this because once, the local Supermarkt were out of real cheese, so thought it might be an okay substitute. Wrong. Should be called “Du barfst.”
So true!
I’ve long wondered why anyone should have to pay for the “privilege” of losing weight temporarily!! I loved this, Ragen – like you, I’ve done more than my fair share of dieting over the years, and it’s so good to see all these leeches brought down to the right level!
My personal favorite:
Diet Center – The Weight Loss Professionals
Their slogan: “Lose up to 30 lbs. before the holidays*.”
*= individual results may vary
What their slogan should be: “Hey, baldie, come on back and let us wreck your metabolism even more!”
Not familiar with this company? This plan has one eating less than 800 calories a day- because we count nutrients – not calories. They too, offer ‘versions’ of real food, and a special hunger-curbing chewable supplement to help curb the hunger. There are also various supplements-vitamins, minerals, fiber- because they have you sharply reduce or even cut out entire food groups (grains, dairy). This is the Jenny Craig wanna-be.
As a teen I was sent here- a couple of times. I remember telling the “counselors” that I was experiencing a lot of hunger. The response- drink more water. Never mind that menstruation had stopped months ago and hair loss had resulted in my scalp showing.
Another “counselor” advised folks to put jalapenos on everything. Like that was going to make existing on 800 calories easier.
Oh, and “counselor” = franchise owner. Don’t think for a minute these “professionals” have any special dietary or nutritional education. They know that at less than 800 calories a day, one’s metabolism is shot and the weight will soon return. They even send former clients coupons to entice them to come back. It becomes a revolving door.
Average daily menu:
2 fruits
2 four oz. servings of lean meat (chicken breast or fish)
2 Wasa crackers
2 teaspoons of olive oil
All the low starch veggies one can consume
Supplements (calcium, multivitamin)
My father’s doctor put him on an 800 calorie diet (similar to what you posted above) when his weight went up to 260 pounds (he was about 5’10”). I remember the diet and a headless fatty photo of my father taped to the refrigerator. He lost about 100 pounds on that diet — and looked sick. I think he eventually gained most of it back. But within 15 years or so of losing all that weight he was dead from multiple myeloma, so what a waste. The “extra” weight probably increased his survival time.
I tried the diet a couple of times for about a month at a time, lost about 20 pounds each time — crazy thing for a teenager with depression to do. And of course gained it all back plus some.
I was on an 800 calorie a day diet prescribed my doctor and very strictly monitored by my partner at the time.
I almost died. I was faint, could not sleep, had never ending headaches. I basically had all the symptoms of someone who was going through a severe famine. But my metabolism was such that I actually ended up gaining about 2lbs a week while on the diet.
I decided I’d had enough after I passed out on the escalator at the Paramus Park mall in New Jersey. I’d taken such an awful fall that an entire section of the mall had to be closed off for the investigation and paramedics to be able to get to me.
All that trauma happened because I was trying to lose weight for a partner who ended up dumping me anyways. NOT WORTH IT.
Any doctor who would prescribe an 800 calorie a day diet to an adult should have their medical license revoked.
OMG that’s awful!
Sounds like Dr. Bernstein. I heard they use fraudulent tactics and put you on a VLCD which – of course – requires copious amounts of vitamins.
I’m convinced my VLCD (200 cals/day) is what caused the bone cracking in 2003, which still plagues me today.
“Trust us! That whole Phen-Fen thing was just a fluke!”
“Try our ‘diet-friendly’ snack! It’s the same product we put in our regular packaging, just a smaller portion for twice the price!”
“Enjoy the Holiday feasting! We’ll be right here on the day after Christmas to make you feel guilty and ugly so that we can sell you our ‘New Year’s Resolution’ diet package!”
RE: Phen-Fen
Good one!
What’s a little heart valve trouble when you can look like a star?
My mother-in-law ended up with the heart valve trouble because of the Phen-fen.
A number of years back, my wife tried one of the diet drugs, and it was starting to mess up her mind. She was actually suffering from paranoid delusional thoughts on the stuff. Fortunately, she remained clear-headed enough to realize it was the drug and quit taking it. I guess we can add for that drug, “What’s a little mental illness when you can look like a star? Heck, many of those stars are looney-bin ready as well!”
‘Don’t let the revolving door hit your fat ass on the way out… Come back to us for a tiny discount!’ = every diet company EVER.
Yep!
“Anal leakage.” I think I’d rather just shit myself.
Calories In/Calories Out: “I’m the diet that assumes your body is simple like a car engine. Never mind that you are a complex being with a metabolism that isn’t like anyone else, that you have emotions and triggers that affect how you digest different food. We don’t care if you starve yourself to death or ruin your metabolism for life, because we are so smart and know so much better than you!”
Atkins: “Hi, try the diet designed by “Dr” Charles Atkins who likely faked his time in medical school (never fully determined because he paid off the prosecutor who dropped the charges). This diet is so crazy the author of it was disbarred from practicing medicine in at least 35 states and he couldn’t pop a pimple without getting himself in serious legal trouble. Don’t worry that you gain massive weight gain in the first weeks, month or even years…its bound to come off eventually. And its so expensive you’ll have to mortgage your house. Your body doesn’t need sugar anyways…(does it?)”
South Beach: “Try this diet who’s creator was super jealous of the money “Dr” Atkins and just repackaged the Atkins fraud but with fruit! Because why would you want birthday cake anyways?”
Hollywood Diet: “Hi we are going to sell you two cookies for $42! That’s all you’ll eat this weekend! Luck you! You’re spending the weekend doing exactly what Corbin Bernsen is doing!”
No S diet: “You love your Grandma don’t you!? Look you fat slob, don’t you dare do anything you’re Grandma couldn’t have done! Seconds? NO. Sugar? NO. Hungry for a Snack? NO. Look fatso, why are you breaking your Grandmas heart you insensitive ass?!”
Truth in advertising would do wonders for the Body Acceptance community….great blog Ragen!
HA! Great sendup of Weight Watchers’ crappy new ad campaign. I guess Magic Rainbow Kid and all her good feels wasn’t bringing in the customers, so they switched back to the old standard, “You’re weak and defective and nobody will ever love you unless you literally become a different person” message and set it to a tune so public domain it’s already been used to advertise everything else.
Weight Watchers – What do you MEAN “why is a commercial for Heinz Ketchup cracking stale fat jokes?”
I used Slim-Fast in a sculpture once. If you mix the pink kind with water, glue, gelatin, and cornstarch and bake it, it comes out looking and smelling like a brownie. You can carve it and it will eventually harden and not rot.
Still need to ask a chemist why that works… but it made me utterly horrified that I basically lived on that crap in high school.
Doesn’t slimfast have like 26 grams of sugar per can? And you’re supposed to have two cans a day. That always had me baffled. Eat 13 teaspoons of sugar a day to lose weight!
Actually 26 grams of sugar is 2 tbsp and half a tsp. For comparison a glass of milk has 1 tbsp (12 grams) of sugar, and juice (eg. orange) has 29 grams. So basically 2.5 tbsp.
Amazing post, as usual. What’s your stance on Herbalife? I have a friend who is adamant about it and claiming to reach her “health goals” while wearing a “lose weight now, ask me how!” button on her shirt. I respect her choice, but I just cringe thinking about all the shakes, teas, and “cleanses” that are supposedly “healthy”.